The Art of Backing the Hell Off

After my divorce, I moved into one of those neighborhoods where you can reach out your kitchen window and touch your neighbor's awkwardly similar house. The kind of neighborhood I used to say I would rather die than live in.  That's harsh but it sort of sums up how I used to look at everything.  I am ashamed to admit I went through my 20s and part way through my 30s thinking I was a little "better than", even bordering on the uptight.  Around 40, I mellowed and began to know true joy.  I started to focus my increasing energy more on connecting with people in meaningful ways and less on impressing perfect strangers.

My husband did not appreciate these changes, even though my friends and the rest of the world seemed to really dig New Me.  I don't know why he felt threatened by all this, but I am guessing it had something to do with the attention I was getting.  Or maybe it was that I discovered flavored vodka about this time.  Oh, and maybe the tattoo didn't help either. (Sidenote: if your wife comes home with a tattoo, you love it. Period.  Get me?  No criticism, no anger, and definitely no "shouldn't I have been consulted?"  Are we clear on that?) Whatever it was, it unraveled 14 years of marriage in a big hurry.  All I know is I was having a ball.  More than once, my husband referred to this transition as a mid-life crisis, but aside from the very small and easily hidden tattoo, I didn't do anything over the top, or go out and buy a fancy car or flashy clothes, or try to act younger than I was.  Actually, I was pretty proud of being 40 and celebrated the entire year.  That was just another thorn in his increasingly irritated side.

Gentlemen, there are two ways to handle yourself when your wife comes into her own and becomes happier, more confident, and maybe even a little hot.  You can get nervous to the point of stuttering and grunting, question her incessantly, sit in the back of the room with your arms folded, then whine about "not being included" in her fun and eventually end up divorced.  Or you can take her out dancing and know that at closing time, if you've shown her the man you are and how much you enjoyed watching her dance, (not insisting on dancing every song with her, trying to slow dance when it's not slow-dancin' music!) chances are you will have a really, really great night.  Unfortunately my ex took off like a bat outta hell down the first road and only stopped badgering me long enough to explain why he had every right to badger me.  We didn't last long after that.

I realize that is a gross simplification of an unnerving marital paradigm shift, but trust me when I tell you if you go to that insecure, phone-checking, follow her down the hall, "can I ask you a question" place, you will chase her right into another man's arms so you might as well start apartment hunting.  When you begin to notice these rather inevitable changes in your wife, you must realize that this is about her, not you, and there's nothing you can do about it other than keep your emotions in check, take a deep breath, and maybe even pretend to enjoy the ride.

The depths of the insecurity and jealousy you didn't even know you had in you will surprise you and be very difficult to tamp down.  Do. It. Anyway.  This is an excellent time to exercise your God-given right to shut the fuck up.  Always think before you speak and think twice before you act.  Of course, you will feel like your world has been ripped out from the comfortably boring place its been for the last ten years.  But whatever it takes, if you want to stay married, do not give in to the temptation to go into panic-driven scramble mode.  Do not call her mother and tell on her. Do not ask your sister-in-laws to fix her over lunch.  Do not call her best friend ask her if she will "talk some sense" into your wife, and for Christ's sake, do not call the co-worker you suspect her of canoodling with and ask in a whiny tone "so, I was just wondering what are your intentions with my wife?"  If you do suspect there's some goings on and you're determined to call the guy, I suggest something more along the lines of "listen you Mother Fucker, if you don't stay the hell away from my wife and that includes texting, phone calls, and email, I will show up on your fucking doorstep and make God Damned sure you and your wife get where I'm coming from. Capiche?". This will go a LOT farther in showing her, and him, you are a man with a pair of balls who isn't afraid to use them.  Although I still say this is a bad idea and accomplishes little more than broadcasting to Mr. McHotsfuff that there's trouble in paradise.

Think about it.  When you invite other people in trying to "fix" your relationship, (read: your wife) you're going to come off as a pathetic little Nancy who can't handle his shit like a man.  Not to mention that this will be fodder for your friends to 'not tell anyone'.  And let's not forget that you will have belittled the woman you supposedly want to be with.  Generally not a good idea.  Then there's the part where you're publicly acknowledging that you can't keep The Missus happy at home.  And trust me, her mom and her best friend will  A L W A Y S  have her back and she will know within nano-seconds that you called, and exactly what you said.  Verbatim.

If you want to be the guy she wants to be with, rather than the guy she can't wait to get away from, know this: When you choose to snoop, berate, question, and tearily accuse, you are choosing to alienate her.  Possibly irreparably.  At every turn you have a choice to make and if you ask yourself "do I want her to think of me as a man or an insecure nut-job", it can help you not act like a complete ass.  Swallow those overwhelming emotions whole and get through the day thinking about the real effect of your actions.  Look past the immediate yet fleeting satisfaction of letting her know you are disappointed in everything she does, says, thinks, feels, and has become.  Her deer in headlights look should tell you you're on dangerous ground.  You are actually causing a negative physical reaction to being in the same room with you.  Do you see how this is the opposite of helping?  You will never solve any issues by not allowing a moment together to exist without a "can we talk?".  Remember, so far all she's done is become a happier and more joyful person so she isn't on the same page with your Chicken Little brand of paranoia.

This is a good time to focus on anything else besides your swirling thoughts.  This is a struggle for some guys because somewhere along the way you forgot who you are.  This is your chance to dive into your hobby.  If you don't have one, please get one.  There's not a lot more boring, (another word for unsexy) than someone whose only hobby is worrying about his wife leaving him.  This means you will have to leave her alone every so often while you pursue this thing you better have some sort of passion for.  Maybe even stop for a beer on your way home.  *Cue the gasp*  Yes, this woman who you think you need to hover over must be left alone every once in a while if you ever want her to miss you.  Come home with an interesting story and resist the urge to ask for an accounting of every second of her much needed hour and a half alone.

Basically what I'm saying here is don't be a pussy.  This phase of her life can bring you so much closer together if instead of viewing it as a threat, you embrace it, and encourage it.  Ultimately, these changes in your wife may be too much for you to handle as a couple, but be sure that you aren't needlessly harshing her mellow with your incessant whiny-pants act along the way.  It takes a real man to understand that backing off might be all it takes to save everything he's scared as hell of losing.   If you have to take a step back and let her do what she needs to do, then step back -  and not begrudgingly.  Support when you can, brag about her a little, and remember that she wants, not needs, a man and she will have one.  At least give her the option of him being you.  In the end, if you can't make it work together, you can still hold your head high and know that you didn't drive her away, and maybe even left her wondering if she made a big mistake.