Clueless Extroverts, I'm talking about you

 If you're an introvert, you know it.  If you're an extrovert, you don't know it unless someone else tells you you are.  Why?  Because introverts are very self aware, extroverts wouldn't think to find out why they are the way they are.

This is not a scientific book, or a self-help book.  It's based on observations and conversations with other introverts and extroverts from all over the extroverted spectrum.  The spectrum ranges from friendly people who are comfortable in any setting, to those that have no clue just how irritating they can be because they never shut up long enough to think about how they are perceived.  They're pretty much self-obsessed. 

I love being an introvert. We are superior social beings really, since we make an effort not to annoy other people. If we suffer socially, it isn't because we want to become more extroverted, it's because we get embarrassed for those extroverts who don't know how irritating they are. I'm not talking about the enviable social star extroverts who are comfortable in any setting, actually listen to people, spend some one-on-one time with others, but don't annoy the hell out of people.  I'm talking about the the Clueless Extroverts, you know, those people who start a conversation with you just to hear themselves talk, then move from topic to topic touching on all of the amazing things that have happened since they talked to you two days ago, while your head spins and throbs as you look for the nearest exit. How anyone can be energized by this is beyond me. 

This got me thinking about the differences between the Introverts (Is) and the Clueless Extroverts (CEs) beyond just personality type. This is about how the two can have completely different experiences in the same situation.  (I don't have to worry about offending anyone, no Clueless Extrovert will EVER think this is about them.)

~ Is consider "how are you" the most basic of rhetorical questions, with only one possible answer.
~ CE thinks "how are you" is an invitation to launch into a run-down of everything they have seen, heard, felt, thought of, or dreamed in the last 72 hours.

~If CE hears you're having lunch with a friend, she'll skip the part where you didn't invite her and let you know she can probably make it if she gets done with her hair appointment in time.  Is would love to have lunch with you.  Just you.  Please do not surprise Is with three other friends we're 'just going to LOVE!'  We won't.  In fact, we may even remember something we completely forgot that needs to be taken care of IMMEDIATELY and disappear.  This is why we will always meet you there rather than having you pick us up.  Is always have an escape plan. 

~ For the CE, caller ID is necessary so she'll know when to put you on hold and answer her other call.  For Is, it's a safety net to help us not accidentally answer when CE calls unless we're 'in the mood to talk' (listen) and have a minimum of an hour to kill.  Bluetooth/headsets were invented so Is could still peek out the window and make sure another CE isn't stopping by unannounced while listening to the CE drivel on about their latest over-exaggerated experience.

~ CE will ask you a bait question hoping you'll bite and ask either the exact same question, or one close to it because they have something they can't wait to share with you. Don't bother answering their initial question, they won't hear your answer, they'll be too busy planning the most dramatic way to tell you their amazing news. The I will do everything they can not to take the bait. It won't matter, the CE will figure out a way to tell you what they have to say anyway.

If the CE is sporting a black eye, the story (You're going to hear it anyway, you might as well ask and make their day) will take at least 25 minutes to tell.  If the I gets a black eye, they'll spend 25 minutes covering it up before leaving the house, so no one will ask about it. 

CE thinks it's their contribution to society to get Is out of the house.  Is will resist unless and until the mood strikes (see doing lunch above.  Same rules apply.  One on one, we'll take  own car and meet you.)  Is will never say no outright (we're introverted, not bitchy) but please feel free to take that glazed over look, accompanied by that utterly unenthusiastic 'yeah, that would be fun, but I'm really...*voicetrailsoffmumblemumblemumble*.  The great news is, your answers are rarely heard and she's already off on a new topic so *whew*.

~CE wants to introduce you to her friends.  Is wants to make sure you don't know any of her other friends, thus risking the group thing.  We hate group lunches, parties, dinners, brunches, and forget those GD baby showers.  Thank you Target registry for making sending a gift so easy!

~CE phone message:  "OMG I have a question for you, and I have a great idea can't wait to tell you, and you won't believe what happened to me today. "   Note the ambiguity.  Can't risk eliminating the need for a follow-up conversation!
~Is phone message:  "Hey.  Just wondering if you want to run in the morning. Text or leave a message and let me know."  Straight and to the point. 

~CE never met a stranger.  Everyone is a prospective best friend. When I say friend I mean listener.  When I say best it doesn't matter as long as they listen, CE can have multiple best friend's, Is will only have one. Even if CE is out shopping with Is, she'll try to rope perfect strangers into the conversation while Is tries to become invisible. Is avoid the possibility of meeting new people, as well as running into the few we already know. Any venture outside the house is planned accordingly.  Can I get an amen for grocery shopping at 7am in a baseball hat.  

Warning to Is mixing alcohol with CE will make you forget you are an I!  Suddenly all of CE's far fetched plans will sound like a total hoot.  Then you will sober up and now you have an unpleasant job to do.  You'll have to back out of said plan because you would rather set your hair on fire than visit CE's grown daughter 2 hours away and then 'go antiquing' with them!!!!!  For the love of God when will you learn?

Being a CE wouldn't be such a bad gig every once in a while. To not fret over every conversation and just dive right in and talk about oneself would be fun for a change. God, I can't even type that with a straight face.

CEs of the world, take a deep breath. At least make an effort to find other CEs to talk over and let us Is recuperate. You suck the life out of us and we need a break.

Quit trying to fix me. I'm an introvert, I'm not broken.

I have more than one extroverted friend who sees my lifestyle as their charity project. As if getting the introvert out of the house is somehow akin to saving the whales. I've gone out for Happy Hour with one friend, only to be ambushed by two or more of her extroverted friends.  Good Lord, by themselves they're nearly unbearable.  In a pack, it's rabid hyenas.  It's hard to concentrate on multiple banal conversations when all you can think about it finding the nearest exit. I don't want to have to come out and say that I have absolutely no interest in your friends, family, coworkers, etc, and I would think the fact that I never ask about these things, my silence, plus my incessant yawning and looking around the room, would be enough of a clue.  I know they mean well in their tireless attempts to assimilate me into their extended group of friends, but I am holding fast.

When an extroverted friend asks "what are you doing next Saturday?" I come by a deeper understanding of the 'fight or flight' response. While I was once a little slow on the uptake, I've become fairly adept at blurting plausible sounding activities I'll be very busy doing. It doesn't matter though - they'll then utter a sentence I can't begin to grasp the formation of... "oh, because my sister's neighbor is having a candle party, you should come".  Oh, Saaahweet, Ever-Lovin' Jesus. That my extroverted friend thinks I'd be interested in such nonsense tells me she has never listened to a word I've thought.

Oh, believe me, I've grown up enough to semi-politely decline these invitations, but it just never ends there. It's nearly always followed up with an "oh, come on, it'll be fun, there'll be prizes" (oh, goody, prizes means there'll be games!) or worse yet, the covert insult:  "it'll do you good to get out". Oh, and there It is. The you're broken, you need to be fixed angle. Umm, exactly how will it do me good to watch some annoyingly perky gal schlepping overpriced sugar cookie candles?  Not that I really care, but if you're going to shill  a product, I think makeup is the ONLY one that makes any sense at all, simply because it gets used up.  Yes, candles do too, but we aren't going to scare the shit out of the liquor store clerk if we run out of Mango Madness votives, are we?  But even then, I certainly don't want to schedule  a "complimentary color consultation" while your husband alternates between snoring and yelling at the kids (and/or the TV) in the next room.

I will never understand you dear extroverted friend, and I wish you would stop trying to understand (read: fix) me.  Let's just have a cocktail and relax until the moment I've had enough of you and need to get home to my beloved solitude. Nothing personal, really. You are convinced I need to get out more and be around people.  Why? How is it you don't know me well enough to know I surely don't feel compelled to join the candle party clutch in their 'adult conversation' -- which I've discovered means little more than talking in psuedonegative tones about the family they supposedly couldn't wait to get away from. 

Sure, I have let my guard down and shown up as the 'bring a friend, score some useless crap' a time or two. Gawd just remembering these lapses in judgment makes me want to flog myself.  I'm not sure if it was the number of times I heard "ooh, smell this one", or just my general disdain for being there in the first place, but I came way too close to throttling the cheery little 'independent consultant' for not taking no for an answer to the dumbest question ever asked:  Do I want to self-address a postcard and sign up to sell the same crap she's hocking as her 'sub-independent consultant'.  It might have made the party a little uncomfortable for a moment, but the quiet girl across the room nodded in my direction, which I took as a subtle showing of solidarity.

I've vowed to never go to another, so when I politely decline your invitation, please don't make me do it twice. Listen to my visual cues.  And here's a straight forward clue for you that you can always count on to be true.  An introvert's roundabout non-answer is a big fat NO FUCKING THANK YOU!  There must be more pressing social causes out there, so notice that I am perfectly happy and content and don't need to be fixed.

Nix the diaper stories at the martini bar, please

Every once in a while I am reminded why I am perfectly content as an introvert.

When I finally do get a wild hair and feel like being social, I head straight to a bar. I love the idea of being served whatever suits me that evening and talking to one of my handful of close friends.

At a trendy new bar, my friend and I were well on our way and deep in conversation when two of her friends sat down next to us. (I could go on about why extroverts are never happy one-on-one and always have to waylay you with surprise guests, but that's a topic for another post.) In a single breath, one of them ordered a martini up and slightly dirty and then seamlessly, while waiting for the concoction to be poured, launched into a narrative about how little Johnny has been giving his hapless day care provider fits by squatting in the corner instead of using the potty. Please help me wrap my mind around how these subjects can live in the same moment. Actually, never mind - that's a rhetorical question as the answer would possibly bore me more than the original, real-time account of the potty debacle.

It went on from there. More Johnny stories. Many more. It's a horrible affliction that otherwise normalish people are cursed with, yet utterly oblivious to. How awful would it be to not get how annoying your stories are to others? (Sidenote: why are bores so loud?) I realize I am likely just as annoying in some other way, but I know it's not driveling on endlessly about my kids. It may be the fierceness with which I'll protect my free time. Or my mile-wide, three foot deep sarcastic streak. Perhaps its the furtive way I'll ask questions designed to put the onus for keeping the conversation going on you, so that I don't have to talk. Notice though, that I'll NEVER ask about your kids over a cocktail. Never.

When people (me) are out having martinis or any other fun, they (I) don't want to talk about your kids. Period. No exceptions. No innocuous teething quips, no day-care conundrums, no diaper mishaps. Ever.

The next time you start down this long, irksome road, please look around and notice that I am poking myself in the eye with my swizzle stick and trying to lodge my olive crosswise.