I have more than one extroverted friend who sees my lifestyle as their charity project. As if getting the introvert out of the house is somehow akin to saving the whales. I've gone out for Happy Hour with one friend, only to be ambushed by two or more of her extroverted friends. Good Lord, by themselves they're nearly unbearable. In a pack, it's rabid hyenas. It's hard to concentrate on multiple banal conversations when all you can think about it finding the nearest exit. I don't want to have to come out and say that I have absolutely no interest in your friends, family, coworkers, etc, and I would think the fact that I never ask about these things, my silence, plus my incessant yawning and looking around the room, would be enough of a clue. I know they mean well in their tireless attempts to assimilate me into their extended group of friends, but I am holding fast.
When an extroverted friend asks "what are you doing next Saturday?" I come by a deeper understanding of the 'fight or flight' response. While I was once a little slow on the uptake, I've become fairly adept at blurting plausible sounding activities I'll be very busy doing. It doesn't matter though - they'll then utter a sentence I can't begin to grasp the formation of... "oh, because my sister's neighbor is having a candle party, you should come". Oh, Saaahweet, Ever-Lovin' Jesus. That my extroverted friend thinks I'd be interested in such nonsense tells me she has never listened to a word I've thought.
Oh, believe me, I've grown up enough to semi-politely decline these invitations, but it just never ends there. It's nearly always followed up with an "oh, come on, it'll be fun, there'll be prizes" (oh, goody, prizes means there'll be games!) or worse yet, the covert insult: "it'll do you good to get out". Oh, and there It is. The you're broken, you need to be fixed angle. Umm, exactly how will it do me good to watch some annoyingly perky gal schlepping overpriced sugar cookie candles? Not that I really care, but if you're going to shill a product, I think makeup is the ONLY one that makes any sense at all, simply because it gets used up. Yes, candles do too, but we aren't going to scare the shit out of the liquor store clerk if we run out of Mango Madness votives, are we? But even then, I certainly don't want to schedule a "complimentary color consultation" while your husband alternates between snoring and yelling at the kids (and/or the TV) in the next room.
I will never understand you dear extroverted friend, and I wish you would stop trying to understand (read: fix) me. Let's just have a cocktail and relax until the moment I've had enough of you and need to get home to my beloved solitude. Nothing personal, really. You are convinced I need to get out more and be around people. Why? How is it you don't know me well enough to know I surely don't feel compelled to join the candle party clutch in their 'adult conversation' -- which I've discovered means little more than talking in psuedonegative tones about the family they supposedly couldn't wait to get away from.
Sure, I have let my guard down and shown up as the 'bring a friend, score some useless crap' a time or two. Gawd just remembering these lapses in judgment makes me want to flog myself. I'm not sure if it was the number of times I heard "ooh, smell this one", or just my general disdain for being there in the first place, but I came way too close to throttling the cheery little 'independent consultant' for not taking no for an answer to the dumbest question ever asked: Do I want to self-address a postcard and sign up to sell the same crap she's hocking as her 'sub-independent consultant'. It might have made the party a little uncomfortable for a moment, but the quiet girl across the room nodded in my direction, which I took as a subtle showing of solidarity.
I've vowed to never go to another, so when I politely decline your invitation, please don't make me do it twice. Listen to my visual cues. And here's a straight forward clue for you that you can always count on to be true. An introvert's roundabout non-answer is a big fat NO FUCKING THANK YOU! There must be more pressing social causes out there, so notice that I am perfectly happy and content and don't need to be fixed.
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